


Who I am?

by awkward_radar_tech



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Coming Out, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid, Other, Self-Discovery, matt is the best boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 20:55:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17690747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkward_radar_tech/pseuds/awkward_radar_tech
Summary: After feeling strange at the thought of wearing dresses twice in a few weeks, you decide to figure out why. After you come to a conclusion, you decide to tell your boyfriend, Matt, about who you are, a genderfluid person.





	Who I am?

**Author's Note:**

> My first non-AAT Matt fic. Didn’t expect it to be this but until I read this ( _Kylo’s Hidden Femininity _) Kylux fic, and realized I felt very similar to Kylo, I didn’t think I was anything but cis. I can’t come out in real life any time soon, but through my fics I can explore a bit more and figure things out. I know this is a very niche topic, but I needed to write this and wanted to post it.

Impromptu dates are some of your favorite dates. You loved when Matt would text asking if you were busy and if not to be ready to go out in half an hour; you made some of your best memories on those dates. Today it brought you to the mall after seeing a movie. The two of you walked in and out of stores, looking at all they have to sell, pointing out both ridiculous items and things the other would actually like. When you walked into your favorite store, you were confused when you weren’t attracted to any of the cute dresses and skirts on sale. Matt noticed you didn’t light up like you normally do when you entered the store, and assumed you were just tired so he suggested you go to his place and order some pizza and watch your favorite show.

You let it pass, not thinking about what happened, just accepting that you felt a little off that day. That is until a few weeks later when you’re cuddled up with Matt watching some random movie that happened to be on tv. There was some scene at a formal event and Matt pointed out a dress he thought you would like, but you found yourself wanting to be wearing the tux of the lady’s date instead. The dress is one you would wear, you adored it, except in that moment the thought of wearing a dress made you feel strange.

From then on you zoned out completely, trying to figure out why you felt like that. This wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, you’ve felt the same many times before in your life, you just never paid it any mind. As you thought more, you felt you came to a plausible conclusion. Sometimes you felt very feminine, other times you felt very masculine, but most of the time you felt like a mix of both, something entirely you. Maybe you could be genderfluid, in that moment it felt right. But that thought startled you. You knew the man next to you wouldn’t care, you knew your closest friends wouldn’t care, but some family and close family friends probably would have a lot of thoughts, and not very kind ones, which suddenly brought you to tears despite your best efforts to contain them.

Matt squeezed you in a hug, “Hey, darling, what is wrong?”

You couldn’t think of a way to form your discovery into words in that moment, “I’m not quite sure.”

He rubbed your arms, “Alright, but if you figure it out and want to tell me, I’m right here.”

You sniffled and nodded, “Thank you Matty.”

An hour passed, the one movie ended and a second began in that time, you had stopped crying a few minutes after you started, and if it wasn’t for the feeling of dried tears on your cheeks you might have forgotten it had happened in the first place. At the next commercial break, you decided, you were going to tell Matt what happened, not matter how much you stumbled through it. When the break came, you sat up and muted the tv, slightly startling Matt with your sudden movements.

You looked down at your lap, unable to look at your boyfriend, “I think I’m ready to tell you. This is a very recent development, so I’m not 100% positive, but I want to tell you. It might help me figure out things more too.”

Matt took your hand in his and gave it a slight squeeze, his voice soft with love and care, “Alright. I’m listening.”

You pulled his hand into your lap and began to fidget with it as you spoke, “So you remember when we went the mall a few weeks ago and I seemed disinterested in my store so we came back here?”

“Yeah.”

“And you remember how I was crying like an hour ago?”

“Of course.”

“Well those are kind of correlated. Both reactions are due to what I just figured out. Although I didn’t know at the mall, I figured it out a few moments before I started crying.”

“Okay.”

“At the mall I didn’t feel like I wanted to wear any of the dresses or skirts or the other clothes in the store. Didn’t think twice about it until you pointed out the dress I would like and I felt strange picturing myself in it but felt perfectly fine picturing myself in the tux. It has happened many times before, and while a year or two ago I considered something was different about me, I didn’t seriously think about it until now.”

You took a pause, you needed to recenter yourself, you were just going to talk yourself in circles otherwise. You couldn’t get the words out quite yet. After a moment you decided to take the leap.

You took a deep breath and finally looked up at Matt, “I think I might be genderfluid. I switch between feeling like a woman and very feminine and frilly, to feeling like a man and very masculine and rough. Other times I feel a mixture of both, ranging from an even 50/50 split to a 40/60 split in either direction, or sometimes neither at all, I just feel like a human that exists in this body. As I think about this more I see how I’ve always been this way, just now I have a label for it other than it is just the way I am. I’ve always identified more with, and wanted to be like, male characters than female ones, probably because that was a way to channel my masculinity. Basically every hairstyle I want is on a man’s head, and I have one of those styles now, and it can be styled to the gender I feel that day. And there is so much more I can’t begin to think about right now.”

Matt pulled you into a hug, “Oh darling. I’m so happy you found this out about yourself. And shared it with me so immediately. Tell me when you’re feeling a specific gender and I’ll make sure to not do what I did earlier. I might trip up, but I will do my best not to, and make sure to correct me when I do. I love you.”

You were crying again, this time from pure happiness at Matt’s response, “Thank you, Matt. I love you, too.”

You sat in silence just hugging for a while, and then Matt spoke, “Two things. First, you still didn’t tell me why you were crying, but if you don’t want to share that, it is fine. Two, I think some of my clothes from high school might fit you, they are in a box in my closet right now, and yours for the taking. I have some graphic tees, a few button ups and polos, jeans and slacks, and two suits.”

You gigled, “Matt, you said first and then two.”

He responded in his playful tone, “Yeah, and? You didn’t address any of what I actually just told you, just went straight for the grammar.”

“I was getting to that, Matty. I began crying because I knew you wouldn’t care and would be like ‘kay, this is still the person I love’ and my friends will be the same, whenever I tell them, but some of my family and family friends won’t be. They will have thoughts and opinions, and not the good kind. But I don’t want to think about that now. I want to try on one of your suits!”

Matt nudged you so he could get up, “Alright. This way my, uh… how are you feeling right now?”

“Masculine.”

Matt nodded, “Right this way, my good sir.”

You beamed at Matt calling you sir, it felt so right. He led the way to his room and easily located the boxes, placing them on his bed, in front of where you sat at the center.

“I’m glad I decided to keep these with me when I moved out. I had a feeling in my soul I would need them one day, and I didn’t even know you then.”

“The world works in mysterious ways, Matt. Now let’s open these and see if they fit.”

To your surprise and luck, everything fit. You would definitely have to hem the pants to be shorter and wear your really good sports bra in the button up shirts, but they still fit fine right now. You put on a black suit with a white dress shirt, and Matt pulled out a black bow tie from the box while you changed, then put it on you. When you looked in the mirror, you were blown away, what reflected back at you was what you felt inside.

You couldn’t contain your excitement, “Matt, look at me! I look like how I feel! On a time when I feel masculine! This is amazing! Thank you so much Matty!”

Matt couldn’t help but smile a big goofy grin to match your mood, “You look very handsome. I’m happy I was able to help you.”

You went and sat on Matt’s lap, giving him a big hug and a kiss, “You’re the best boyfriend a person could ask for. I love you.”

“I love you too, my dear.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr, awkward-radar-tech!  
> Thank you for reading! Feel free to comment or message me on Tumblr, I like to know what people think of my fics!


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